What I learned

I learned some things recently.

1. It shouldnt take a special occasion or holiday to bring family together. Sometimes just waking up one day and picking up the phone and making plans does the trick.

2. That I teach Alyssa every day to ask first before she takes something that she wants… I forgot to ask her to borrow her Yoga DVD to take to work..hm. ( she brought that to my attention )

3. That alot of times when you want to complain, the best thing to do is to just say something your thankful for.

4. There’s never a good reason to not keep in touch with people you love.

I really do love to learn new things and by learning new things I mean things outside of what online can teach you or a information a book can give you. Im talking about simple things that we learn as children and then forget once we’ve become adults.
I use to carry around a journal (seperate from the 16 that I had in higschool) where I would write down things I had learned that day. What can I say, I enjoy writing.

7-9-2005

I met David a year after I graduated highschool. When I think about who I was in 2003 I grin… because I was a completetyly different person than I am now. I wasnt sure about alot of things in life at that time, but I was sure he was someone I could definatly see myself with forever. I didnt date many guys, but the ones I dated I always asked them if they wanted children. When they hesitated and told me not until their late 30′s I knew we were on different paths. There were other signs that swayed me away, but having children ( which you will read about often) has always been of importance to me. It was a deal breaker if the dream was not shared. Now you are probably thinking to yourself who talks about having children at 18 ( I was not trying to have a child at 18), but I have always wanted to have children while I was fairly young– thats just been a dream of mine. When I met David I made sure to ask him the same thing. He unlike the others told me with excitement that he wanted children in the future and at that moment when we talked about those dreams..our dreams- I knew he was a keeper.

Sometime when I was 15 years old I wrote on the back of a thank you card a list of traits I would love to have in a husband. It might sounds weird, but I did it and I made sure to be open minded. I created this list of traits that I know would suit my own. After David and I married I told him about my list-he almost didnt believe me until many years later when I found the card and read them to him. Now dont think that there werent some things on there that did not match him because there were, but thats what makes us work. We have so many things in common but at the same time we have our differences. Each of us brings to the marriage something and thats what makes it work.

When we were standing at the alter and the pastor said “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live” I meant it. You dont think that you will have your downs (only ups) but you do and work through them and you move on. You move on together. You learn new things, create things, and experience together.

July 9th, 2005

Todays going to be a good day.

Do you know how I know? Because I said so.

I noticed yesterday my stress level was pretty high. I think I could actually feel my black hair turning silver (its not gray btw its silver). Im noticing that Im not really one to adapt well to stress, especially if I see that it can be avoidable some how.. I waited until today to post because I needed to vent..and did not want to do it in here.Thank God for husbands! So hopefully Im better today. I am better today..

My mamma never said life would be full of uncomfortable situations, people who are intentionally rude, and lazy people. Well, she might have but maybe I was combing my barbie dolls hair or thinking about Joey Lawrence at the time. Yes, I just gave you a fun fact about me. I had a huge crush on him. WHOAAAAA. hehe. Anyway, shes out of town right now, but usually I would call her and talk about all of this. Maybe even ask her if she talked to me about it. Im 27 years old though and you would think by now I would be aware and get use to it, but Im not. Those uncomfortable situations are so uncofmrtable that I wanna ask the heavens why? And those people who are intentionally mean to me or to others around me I want to ask them why.. and those people who are lazy..well, I would ask them why too, but I cant and I wont. Ghandi once said ” be the change you want to see”. Its a perfect quote and while I was having a stressful week last week and this week I reminded myself of that quote. It was also mentioned in the new Monte Carlo movie with Selena Gomez (dont ask). I can huff and puff and grow gray hairs all I want and complain, but if Im doing nothing on my part to change then what complaining can I do?

Im a quote lover and so sometimes I will just search quotes, yesterday while laying in bed not wanting to leave it I found a beautiful quote from Maya Angelou-Be present in all things and thankful in all things.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.”
— Maya Angelou

Gosh shes good. So Ill leave you with that. Today is going to be a good day.

Im starting this blog out with a conversation I had with my daughter Alyssa. She always finds a way to make me laugh.

We were at the store and I told her we would possibly by Root Beer for some ice cream floates that night. When I asked her if she would want to try some when we got home she said:

” No, I cant”. I said “well, why not?”. She replied back with ” Ive seen Cowboys holding them and Im not a cowboy, so I cant have one”. I said ” Ive never seen a cowboy with one, but you can have one” She said ” Really?!” with really big eyes.

She was happy beyond happy when she realized that her not being a cowboy would still get her a root beer float.
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Here is a painting I started on a few weeks back. Before I added the leaves the branches were a mess..well I still think its a mess but its a mess in the making of something I might end up liking. If all goes well and what I come up with looks good, then Ill post the final product on here. hmm

Im going to start taking better care of myself physically. I keep telling myself that, but I never follow through completetly. Im not an unhealthy eater but physical fitness plays a huge role in how one feels over all, especially how I feel. How the mind body and soul work together. I can tell when I dont run my energy is low. When I do run I feel as though I can conqour almost anything. I can tell there is a kick in my step. Im not sure how Im going go about doing this, but the motivation is there. I will be celebrating my anniversary next week and with another year approaching with the man I love the thought to be healthier plays in the back of my head. It all started like this.

” Are you eating that cookie for breakfast?”
” Yeah, I dont have time to eat anything else”
” Can you please eat something healthy, maybe toast or something?..”
and with my words filling the air, he made himself some toast.
” I want you to be healthy so we can have a marriage that last for ever” ( or something very similar to that). And by forever I mean for many many years.

It sounded silly talking about a cookie and marriage, but I was serious. I didnt say for better or worse in sickness and in health for my health ( hehe pun intended). I meant it. So my new plan is to be a healthier me physically and to encourage my husband to be as well. He doesnt know this yet..well he does only in casual conversation, but Im excited about it.

Update on my book. Im at a stopping point. I was driving today and it hit me..theres a different way that I could be writing this book and now Im stumped. Maybe Im holding back? Maybe Im doubting if I should write it. Should I write it? Im trying my best to put into words what I want to share. Theres no right or wrong way to tell about my life. Im stumped though. This happens to people who write, right? Brain farts..or dry spells? Or…fear that I dont know how to write it. Theres a difference bewteen writing about something I dont know about and writing about what you know, but theres also a difference bewteen telling it the way you want it and it coming out no where like you want it. Hmmm….

Alrighty, gonna make some yummy food and enjoy this Sunday and soon to be beautiful sunset. More later..

Today Im thankful for..

Starting from the time I woke up.

My husbands alarm went off at 6:00am. I rolled over to tell him I had mine set for 6:30am. He climbed back in and we rested for 30 more minutes.

We made the bed together. Something that happens more often that none, but not everyday. He doesnt know I really enjoy making the bed with him. hehe

I did all my laundry Fri, so when it was time to pick out clothes to wear for work I had more clothes to chose from. Come on ladies, you know how it gets with finding something to wear.

His car was parked behind mine so I had to wait until he was ready to leave before I could leave.I decided to walk out with him, I wished him a great day, he gave me a sweet kiss and we left for work. Talk about an awesome way to start your day

I got in my car, its clean. David had it cleaned out when he got my oil changed a few weeks back. If I remember the conversation correctly I told him that if and when the car was cleaned out I would try very hard to keep it that way. He was shocked a week or so later after he had it cleaned HOW clean it was. I had kept my promise. So my car is still clean. I make sure to take care of my car more, not that I dont take care of it, but it does take me to and from.

I had a managers meeting at work. Im glad to have them. Even if I leave with one different thought, or advice I feel accomplished. Im getting better at speaking, too. The meetings encourage me to stay focused, to continue with my goals..and they show me how far Ive come.

Hugs, I gave out hugs in the two year old room. I asked the children if I could give them a hug. They all held their arms open and nodded. Talk about feeling loved !

I spoke to my mom on th phone. My mom is probably the number one person that has encouraged my creativity since I was little, but even more now that Im an adult and really can say what I enjoy doing. Everytime I talk to her she asks me if Ive made anything. This time she asked if I had sewn anything. Ive been wanting to , but havent made time to. I put that on my list ( yes there is a list) of creative things I want to do. She doesnt know I always say after we hang up to myself how thankful I am for her.

My friend LaCole, Im not sure she reads this yet. But shes recently come into my life. Its a very honest friendship. We have alot in common and similar interests and thoughts. I can honestly and openly say I prayed for someone to come in my life. As odd as that may sound..it happened. Ask and you shall recieve??

Im thankful for my puppy dogs that are always happy to see me. Talk about not holding grudges. They love me no matter what.

And lastly but only because I need to go to the store to buy some dog food and flowers to put on the table ( well, the flowers I dont need, but want hehe).

Im thankful for my house. Everyday, as I drive up to it I give a little thanks because I never thought we would have been able to buy a house this soon. Its mine, filled with love, its mine.

if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all.

My mother often said this to me. I remember it clearly, her words in a very clear way that if i didnt have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all. As a child, I know I tried to be more careful, but it definitely wasnt as easy as it is now in my adult years. Now that I think about it, I dont remember what prompted her to tell me this ( an exact situation). I can just remember her saying it. I now use it with Alyssa. I use it clearly and to the point when I tell her too.

As I was laying in bed this past Saturday, I lay there thinking of all the not so nice things I say/think about myself. My face cringed because my mother had taught me ” If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all ( about others, situations)”, but she never really said if you dont have anything nice to say about yourself, dont say anything at all. Dealing with fertility issues you sorta learn in to not be as positive about yourself. The way your body is not working in your favor and how the hell did this happen to me. You learn to analyze the way your body is working against you, you question your credibility as a mother. You begin to doubt life’s meaning because youve always known since you were a little girl that you wanted ten kids ( well, I dont want 10 anymore, but I do want another one). You ask yourself if this is to much to ask for? You begin to wonder, does karma really exist? Have I done something wrong? What can I do to change it? Have I not loved enough? You begin to forget that there are wonderful things you have accomplished.

Im my own worst critic. Ive always been. Up until dealing with fertility Ive thought and said good things about myself. But it crept up and showed its ugly self again. Ive got my good days and bad days. Ive had more good days recently. I notice instead of saying ” Ill never have another baby”, or ” Maybe I dont deserve to have one”, Ill speak my words out loud in truth as though one day it will happen. With a positive real sound to it. Like this Saturday, my parents came over and while my dad, David and little brother Jason went to go pick up dinner I mentioned throughout a conversation with my mother, that
” When I have a little one of my own I’ll be sure to buy this” or ” I think my next little one will enjoy this”.. and although she probably didnt hear the positive words like I did, my little heart jumped inside my chest and I felt a little freer.

So, when I tell my daughter to try and have good thought about people and things, and if she doesnt have anything nice to say about others, Ill also remind her to speak words of truth and love when speaking of herself.

a conversation bewteen mother and daughter

The conversation Im talking about is the one between Alyssa and I a few days ago.

I was upset about something -a little fact- mostly an unknown fact- that Ill gladly share..I hold things in from time to time especially if Im upset. I dont like others to have to worry about that part of me.. Anyway, thats beside the point. I was having a not so good day and I had tears in my eyes. I hadnt had one of those days in a long time. Whatever the situation may be, a sad movie ( I rarely cry during sad movies though-ask my husband), hurt feelings, seeing someone hurt,whatever the case is— Alyssa is usually close by ready to console me, hug me and tell me she loves me. I try my very hardest to not let her see me upset/frustrated/mad at the world ect, but she always seems to know even when I have my game face on. Well this one occasion she seemed really concerned. She followed me into the bathroom to really see if I was “washing” my hands. She asked if I was ok and if I was crying. I told her I was fine and that I was not crying (yeah, I felt bad about not telling her the truth there). She asked again and I said Ill talk to you about it later. She said ok with a smile and waited patiently outside the bathroom until I was out so we could go on our trip to the zoo. I wasnt expecting her to ask again, but when we got in the car she said ” are you going to tell me now?”. I said tell you what?” ( in a very obvious voice avoiding the question). She said why you were upset. It was then that I thought to myself, I had said later, but I truly meant later as in 15 years or when she was old enough to possibly understand. When she had heard me say later, she thought I meant as soon as she reminded me that it was later. I looked at her in my mirror as I often do when she and I are in the car together and I told her I would be ok and that my tears were gone. She smiled again and told me she loved me so much. And that was it. No explanation was needed. It was understood her mamma was ok. Im gonna need to write this down so when she gets older I can remind her.

I was reminded of some things.

She is a lot like me. She is persistent, especially when wanting things resolved. She is determined, especially when she sees a solution or when she feels as though she can help. She also is a caretaker and a nurturer. When she sees someone hurting, upset, and blue, she wants to do whatever it takes to make them feel better.

Holy Moly!

Holy Moly! Thats right hoollllyyyy mollllly
Its crazy what not having a laptop can do to ya! Before I could barely find anything to write about and now, almost 20 days later Ive got alot to write about ( both in here and for my book). Its also crazy how much technology is around us. When I dont have my phone the only numbers I really remember are my husbands and my parents house. I did end up writing on two pages of white computer paper during my lunch. The part that I did write about has nothing to do with the chapter Im on. It felt good to write though. I wrote about the day I found out I was pregnant with Alyssa. That day had me wondering if my biological mother was as scared as I was. I thought about adoption, but only for a second. Abortion was completetly out of the question. She made a huge decision. When I think about it, the purpose of this book becomes clearer and clearer to me.

Ill write more later.
Here are some pictures to share

Here is a picture of a magnolia flower at my friends house. It was closed the night I wanted to take a picture of it, but the next morning it was open for me

I normally despise taking pictures of myself and putting them on the internet, but I was so happy to have been able to wear my huge sunglasses for sunglass day at work. The children didnt know whether to stare or not. hehe

a quote I found in a book Im reading It made sense to me.

Here is a book Ive sorta started it on. Its one you need to devote time for. Ill write about it in another post.

Here are our puppies. Lennon on the left and Iris on the right. Alyssa has now figured out that our puppy Lennon is named after John Lennon

Here is a sunflower that my older sister helped plant with Alyssa. Its about the size of a dinner plate..maybe a little smaller, but none the less its beautiful and huge!

OK, off to bed

whats in a book

Well hello there,
I almost forgot about this blog here until I recieved a call from a friend (today) telling me she enjoys reading what I write. Im really only aware of my husband reading it from time to time, so its nice to know my friend enjoys it. Half the time I feel as though Im rambling, the other half Im writing just to write whats interesting to me.

My book is coming along. I dont know how many times Ive had to rewrite the forward of the book, but its been alot. I emailed my mother about some questions I had regarding my biological mother and father, and what my mother was doing before she had me. She was so helpful in giving me details, but I began to feel as though I really had nothing to go by as far as resources– especially to use in the book. Ive got to remember that the book is not about facts, but of how being adopted affected my life as a mother, wife, friend, daughter ect.

updateeee

Ive been doing so well with writing my book. Im actually impressed at how diligent I am at setting time aside. Sometimes its premeditated and other times when the thoughts come I literally sit down with some tea (crysanthimum is my favorite right now) and type away. I love how you can write something and then moments later or days later you realize that it can either be added to another chapter or something better has occured. Ive never been so passionate about writing before.

If your keeping up with what Ive written in here you might have noticed my last ( possibly slightly depressing) blog entry. I was frustrated with my book. This is a hard subject to explain. As anything unrelatable. I think for the first time Im starting to really work through whatever Ive been feeling and for once ( maybe twice in my life-maybe once) Im talking about it. So if you are keeping up with my blog then you might see more of those. I woudlnt even call them rants.

Besides writing, Ive been cooking with Alyssa and alone. Ive made banana bread twice. Delicious. I made wontons twice. I even made Chicken Curry (yum) and ruined the Naan to go with it(Im ok with that-maybe next time) and a wonderful bean dip. So when Im not writing Im cooking new things and when Im not cooking and doing everything else Im reading books. I dont really have much time to read, but when I do I enjoy it. I just finished with Real Moments by Barbara De Angelis. The book is about enjoying moments in life and pretty much not taking it for granted. Which is something we do by nature. One thing I noticed was how many times during the week I would say outloud how I could not wait until Friday. That it cant get here soon enough and during that time I wasnt enjoying the now. I was pretty much trying to fast forward life to get to the ” good part”. Barbara really explains how this can affect our lives. You can say Im changing that about myself.

Here are some photos Id like to share..

Chicken currrrry

I have a fascination with owls now..bowl and incense burner

Brass Tree I found at a garage sale two houses down from my house!
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